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Are you a Shark or a Turtle?
I couldn’t believe it.
This couldn’t be happening to us. How could two people who love each other and
love God feel so angry toward each other? We had only been married a few weeks
and I found myself with feelings that were completely foreign to our
relationship. As I walked out, I slammed the screen door in disgust! She was
crying. I was mad. And I knew it wasn’t supposed to be this way.
Welcome to Marriage
101! This was the first fight Theresa and I had in our early life together. I
drove around for nearly two hours trying to figure out what was wrong. I
naively assumed that couples who loved God and loved each other wouldn’t have
angry feelings and hurt one another this deeply. I was greatly mistaken and
deeply disillusioned.
The night is late and
very still. My hands are behind my head as I stare at the ceiling in the quiet
of the night. I can hear Theresa breathing and I know she’s not asleep. The
events of the day produced some major rifts between us, and we don’t have them
resolved. I want to talk because I am very angry; Theresa wants to withdraw
because she is very hurt. I am waiting for her to turn to me and say “I am
sorry,” and she’s waiting for me to do the same. The night remains still and we
both occupy the same bed in cold silence. Finally, in disgust, and in an effort
to communicate how angry I really am, I let out a “great sigh” and turn away
from her in the bed. I have a brief conversation with God expressing my hurt
and rehearsing how she has wounded me that day, and slowly drift off to sleep.
A funny thing happens
in the morning. I don’t feel quite as bad and I don’t feel quite as angry. But
I find myself picking on Theresa and taking opportunity to put her down with
sarcasm and innuendoes. I don’t know that my anger is unresolved and I haven’t
yet learned how to diffuse conflict in our marriage; so we play games, deepen
the damage, and continue to wound one another until neither of us can take it
any more.
Do these two scenarios
sound familiar? The first was early in our marriage and the second continued
for the next 10 to 12 years of our life together. Oh yes, we eventually made up
and got things our on the table, but the price tag was very high. Because of
our commitment to the Lord and to each other, we chose to continue working out our struggles. But that’s not always
the case with couples. Unless you learn how to diffuse conflict in your
relationship, sometimes it escalates to the point where repair is difficult or
impossible, humanly speaking.
God’s perspective on conflict
Let’s step back and
get a broad understanding of relational conflict and its root causes. Often we
assume something is very wrong simply because we have conflict in a meaningful
relationship. But the truth is that great relationships are never “conflict
free.” We need to understand conflict and its sources and learn how to handle
it appropriately. The following four observations will provide an intellectual
and biblical foundation for understanding conflict in your life.
Observation #1: Conflict is inevitable in a
fallen world.
The issue is not
whether conflict is going to happen; the only issue is how we are going to deal
with it. Jesus said, “I have told you these things so that in me you may have
peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the
world” (John 16:33).
Observation #2: Conflict flows from our
differences.
Differences in belief
or thinking produce conflict. Conflict will naturally occur when our belief
systems differ. This is why it is so important, as couples, to allow Christ and
His Word to be the final authority in our relationships.
Differences in
perspective also produce conflict. Conflict in marriage often centers on our
attempts to determine “who is right.” In every relationship, we bring different
backgrounds, gifts and experiences that shape our perspectives. It is not
always a matter of right or wrong. Until we learn to see things through our
mate’s perspective and communicate light instead of heat, these differences can
tear us apart.
Differences in style
also produce conflict. The fact is, God normally gives us a strong attraction
to someone with a style much different than our own. These differences that
initially attract us, however, can be the source of tremendous conflict later
in the relationship. As couples, we must learn to build on the best of both
styles rather than making them issues of comparison and conflict.
Observation #3: Selfish desires produce
conflict.
The apostle James
writes, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your
desires that battle within you? You want something, but don’t get it. You kill
and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not
have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you
ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures”
(James 4:1 – 3).
The word ‘desires’ in
this passage means lusts, passions or selfish appetites. James is pointing out
that much of our conflict flows out of ‘plain old selfishness,’ or sin. This,
unlike other causes of conflict, has a spiritual origin and will continue to
cause us grief until we go to heaven. This is why the greatest thing I can ever
do for my marriage is to walk wholeheartedly with Christ. Only He has the power
to deliver me from my selfish, stubborn, relational patterns.
Observation #4: Conflict is an opportunity for
growth.
The heart of the New
Testament about conflict resolution is found in Philippians 2:1 – 4. In Christ, our differences are designed
to complete our relationship with one another instead of being vehicles of
competition. In Christ, our
differences complement one another, rather than becoming weapons we use to
attack each other. In Christ,
selfishness can be transformed into servanthood. Do you want your own way?
Certainly! But in the power of Christ, you and I can be so filled with the love
of God that we can choose to be servants and build into the lives of our mates,
instead of demanding our own way. This allows transformation, not only in our
hearts, but also in our relationships.
Beware of sharks and turtles – two ways of
dealing with life’s inevitable conflicts.
It is important to
remember that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with conflict. Over
the years, both in my own marriage and in counseling with numerous couples, I
have learned that most of us fall into two major categories; we are either
turtles or sharks. When there is danger or conflict, turtles pull their heads
into their shells, tuck in all their appendages, and withdraw to a safe place.
When a turtle feels threatened, the immediate response is to withdraw. This is
what my wife did in the early years of our marriage. It made me absolutely
crazy!
By contrast, sharks
start circling their prey, looking for vulnerable areas to attack. A shark
feels the same insecurities and same wounds as the turtle, but to cover those
feelings of fear, the shark turns instead to an “attack mode” to provide for
him or herself the same thing the turtle is seeking to achieve – protection.
So, how about you? Do
you tend to be “turtle-like” or “shark-like” when conflict arises?
Understanding your own “protection devices” is a very important first step
toward the goal of resolving conflict in your marriage.
This message is from Chip Ingram
If you would like to receive the second part of this
article, titled How to DIFFUSE Conflict in your Marriage, for free, send an
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(Subject line - Making Peace at Home).
Walk Thru the Bible
offers an audio CD course, 'To Have and to Hold' also by Chip Ingram, which
addresses God's design for your marriage, with practical instruction to
fill your marriage with intimacy and communication. It is a 6-part
series, approximately 50 minutes each and available for R155. To order simply e-mail
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